Customer Service

When you want to find funny stuff... you really don't have to look that far. Good case in point: Notalwaysright.com. Whether you are in sales, customer service, management or anybody that truly appreciates the funny stuff that happens all around you, this is a great place for a good chuckle.

Had one of these myself today. A "major customer relations situation"... "code red"... arm the battle stations... bring in the big gun (that was me)...

Customer's customer was IRATE. "Seriously, the woman has fangs" I was told. How anyone knew that from email and phone-only correspondence, I am wasn't quite sure... until a little later. End result? I waxed eloquently! "Uh, you ordered the wrong part. We will ship you the one that will fit". Problem solved. OK, not as funny as the Notalwaysright.com guys but if you were on the call, I promise, you would have chuckled. Isn't it great when the small stuff gives us a warm chuckle?

On the other hand, let's look at Swine Flu and the CDC. According to the CDC, symptoms may include: "The symptoms of swine flu in people are similar to the symptoms of regular human flu and include fever, cough, sore throat, body aches, headache, chills and fatigue."

On the other hand, I ran across an article in which the doctor said something to the effect (I can't locate the actual quote right now), Its not like waking up in the morning and feeling a little off. It's like you feel so bad, you want to die.

Now, clearly this isn't funny in a positive way. The dark humor is the contradiction in what we are being told. One on hand, normal cold/flu symptoms, on the other, feel like death. Good thing the American Medical profession has a handle on this. Maybe they will eventually even know what the symptoms are. For me; I get a hang nail and Skully is calling the paramedics. Better to be laughed at than buried. Hmmm, there's that humor thing again.

Maybe I better stick with Notalwaysright.com.

Stuck In The Mud

Well, pirate fans - it's rainy season here in the Midwest (that's the season wedged between frozen tundra and humidity that should be reserved for beaches). And with the rains come two things:

1. Leaky basements.
2. Plenty of free indoor time to do all those projects that you should do during the winter but don't want to - OR - plenty of time to ponder life's great mysteries.

Since the project list grows no matter what gets completed (NEVER BUY A HOUSE FROM A HANDY MAN) Skully has chosen to ponder.

I tell you that to tell you this. I want to talk about mud. You know the stuff. Slippery, slimy, slick blecky crud. The kind that when your truck decides to take that cross-the-field shortcut, you end up revving the engine faster and faster but not actually going anywhere.

Sort of reminds me of my discussion with a sales manager pal of mine this morning. Going over his sales growth (negative), he was stymied as to why the number of customers was growing, the average size of customers was increasing and yet the bottom line of the top line was that his sales was declining.

Being the Wise Skully that I am, I could tell him in a heartbeat what the problem was, but I let him go on. "To make matters worse, my reps are all complaining that they don't have enough time to take care of customers and bring in new ones", he whined.

Letting him stew in his own misery a little longer, I silently and patiently waited for him to go on. But alas, he was dejected and feeling neglected (far better than being on the Group W bench that Arlo Guthrie sang so eloquently about oh, those many years ago).

"Look, bud, it's simple," I said. "You are stuck in the mud." See how I cleverly worked this whole "mud" thing? Anyway, I explained the following basic points of "sales growth".

1. Dump crappy accounts that eat more time than provide profit.
2. Quit churning your tires! If the sale isn't going anywhere (those accounts that are on your prospect list since Granny was a youngster), get back on the highway and move on down the road. The highway is where the big deals are. It's faster. It goes more places and it's a whole lot more fun with the top down.
3. Mud attracts. If you get stuck in it, you are going to do nothing but pick up more mud and make it worse.
4. Hire somebody to do your "clerk work". Make time for selling!


Me? I am going to go put up those shelves in the closet that came crashing down last night. That way when the sun comes out, I can go fishin'. Fishing for new customers or from a boat. Hmmm, maybe I need a new boat so I can entertain prospects. Better call the accountant.

If It's Worth Learning, It's Worth Learning Over and Over

Decided to do a little self-testing today. Result? Purchased a 12 pack of Tecate. Skully isn't the brightest bulb in the socket, but then again, he isn't the dimmest either. Or, at least, so he thought.

Sat down and took note of some of the major lessons I have learned lately. In the spirit of complete transparency (ok, as much as you get from a guy that writes under a psuedonym (let's see what spell check does on that one), here they be:

1. If it sounds too easy... be prepared. Something is going to "suddenly" come up.
2. Price last... details first. Been bit by the "Columbo" thing a number of times.
3. Relationships are great... but they are secondary to the belief (in the mind of the customer) that you are providing incredible value.
4. "Tentacles"... better have a lot of points of contact (and influence) within any customer as roles are being changed almost daily.
5. Hire really, really great people... but only if you can stand working with them.

Sounded pretty good until I realized how basic these are... and how many blasted times I have had to re-learn them.

I offer them up to you in the desire that you too will benefit... ok, not really. I offer them up so you can see just how many times you have re-learned your most "Brilliant" insights. After all, misery loves company (or beer). Feel free to send beer. Donations are accepted.

Shameless Promotion

Skully has decided to write a book. Going to be the hit of the century in the "Business Guru" category. Covers "leadership", "management", "business practices"... you name it.

It's called, "Cluster Management". Simple concept. Based on observations during a meeting between various factions coming together to create a joint endeavor.

The concept is indeed simple. Think of ClusterFxxK. Yes kiddies, I am skating on thin ice, professionally speaking. The subtitle is, "Blenders in the Boardroom". Or, maybe, "Garbage Disposal Management Practices".

More on this exciting concept at another date.

The Accidental Wisdom of Yutes

"Your honor, dees two yutes..." yesterday, they taught me a lot. Not because of their insight but because I happened to unintentionally listen to my responses to their questions.

2 twenty-somethings.
MBA class project.
Talk to an entrepreneur.
Ask a bunch of questions.
Gain "widsom".
Put together project to include PowerPoint.

First, what the heck happened to sprial bound typed pages!! Teaching America's Yutes to convey information in a PPT... Seriously, is this where we have arrived? Don't even get me started on this. There are companies that use ppts for everything. Come on, people! 99% of all the ppts I see are nothing more than lame ways to keep from having to actually learn and present information - no more than crib notes on a screen.

But I digress. My answer that disturbed me was a response to the question of, "What's your typical day look like"? My FIRST answer was, "Dark at first, getting lighter until it dimmed and then went black". The answer that got me thinking though was, "60% dealing with strategic accounts, 25% supporting other people's needs internally (resource acquisition, political help, etc.) and 20% BS." Yes, that means that somehow I have found 105% of my time. Quite the neat little trick actually. But doesn't is say that I have ZERO time for planning? And what is my job? S'posed to be 65% planning. Hmmm.

Oh, by the way, the failed the math test. Not surprised, they are MBA's after all. Jack of all... master of nada.

I will probably end up a case study on what not to do (according to academia) but, hey, I don't live hanging on the vines from ivory... Skully has to live in the real world. Maybe that should be the NEW curriculum... "Reality". Nah, that crap is hard to teach.

PS: Sorry about the bad "Carlinism" and "Vinnie".