Screwed Up Since Kindergarten

Ran across “that book” the other day at the bookstore. Pissed me off. What do they mean, “I learned everything I need to know in kindergarten”? Kindergarten was the foundation of all of my problems.

1. Lay down on a mat that somebody else uses also.
2. Drink juice from a box.
3. Play nice with everybody.
4. Sit still.
5. Pay attention.
6. Do what you are told, not what you want to do.
7. Ask for permission to use the restroom.
8. Respect your teacher.

So, here’s how it worked out.

1. I now know where lice come from.
2. I thought juice came from a box, not an orange. Obviously we all know that wine comes from boxes.
3. Play nice with everybody? Yeah, right. That makes sense. “I don’t care that you hit me in the face and your mommy spends a lot of time with Mr. Whipple’s Charmin, I love you anyway?”
4. I sit still for very long and I fall asleep. Not real impressive at the old board meeting.
5. Now, paying attention isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but who am I paying attention to? I can’t pay attention when I am talking! What fun is it to listen?
6. Let’s not even go down the path of “doing what you are told”. That’s the whole problem in America. We are becoming a nation of “assembly line work ethic” when we should be spending some time under a palm tree or sky diving or weaving beanies or whatever the heck turns us on! We need more passion! We need more fruitcakes (sorry Jimmy). And when was the last time you were passionate about what somebody told you to do?
   
7. Let’s think about this one. Who knows better when I need to go, me or somebody else? I think we understand the ramifications.
8. Respect my teacher. Only if I get to choose her/him.

Sure, I got screwier after kindergarten, but I just know that's when the whole mess got started.