Fat, Stupid and Annoying

There is a reason that Skully doesn't normally shell out big money to go to concerts and performances. Not that he's cheap (he's "frugal") and not that he doen't enjoy being entertained (that's what a gangplank is all about) and not that he is anti-social (OK, not OVER anti-social). It's more of a matter of maintaining blood pressure at levels under sky-high.

Last night was a case in point. 25 degrees. Snowing. No idea why the line outside the arena was moving at the speed of smell, but it was. At least no idea why until he got inside the building and went to show his ticket. Now, first you have to understand that the arena was 80 per cent full. In other words, there were a whole lot of people... all of whom had to pass the FOUR ticket takers. Not, four per entrance... four for the whole frickin place! Oh, but not to worry, they had those little hand held scanners. You know the things. Same ones the checkout clerk has to scan, scan and rescan to get to work. Add to this wonderful technology the fact that every ticket holder was frozen and shaking and you get the picture. You could have read Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants while they were attempting to get a "beep" from each scan. Probably been more fun too.

OK, so anyway, finally get to our seats. Comfortable enough... as long as your legs are slightly shorter than 18 inches. But not to worry. Just made it "intimate". When the guy in front of me put his arm around his wife, it was almost TOO intimate. The guy could have adjusted Skully's underwear for him! OK, TMI.

The lights go down (really keeping an eye on the guy in front of me now). Performance starts. Which apparently was the precise time that some lady in the row ahead of me decided she JUST HAD to talk to her friend, pimp, bookie - whatever - on her cell phone. Now keep in mind that the entertainer is a comedian. The whole idea is to be able to hear what the COMIC is saying, NOT what Suzy Cellphone's conversation.

But Suzy was outdone by the obnoxious people who feet it necessary to use their phones to video the act. Ever notice how bright a cell phone screen is in a dark room! Now, Skully doesn't begrudge her desire to capture the moment. I mean obviously she wants to replay the whole evening (in 30 second segments) at a later date... but from the BACK of the arena... on a 1 inch screen... shot in the dark! Come on, lady!

Fortunately the "event personnel" are highly trained customer care agents. One of Skully's young pirates "just had to have cotton candy". No worries. Skully will get it. Climbing over a dozen people, he reaches the aisle and heads to the concession booths. First one - "Cotton candy". "Don't have any". "Know where I can get some?" "No. Next". Second booth: "Got any cotton candy?" "No. next." Booth three was just like one and two. Booth four was perfect! "Got any cotton candy?" "No." "Know where I can get some?" "Hey Deadwood, know where he can get cotton candy?" "Nah. We don't sell it here." Now to grasp the situation, you have to understand that this is the response from one of the concession workers who is serving a gal WHO IS HOLDING COTTON CANDY". Commenting on this to the brilliant and informed attendant, I receive the following response: "She must have brought it with her". You can't make up stuff this good.

Finally I find it. At the snow cone stand. Good news - only three people in front of me. Bad news - the snow cone queen apparently feels the creation of a snow cone is "art". 30 minutes pass.

So, since I have griped about stupid and annoying, probably best to leave my aggravation with severely obese people alone. Let's just say that if you know you cant wedge into a stadium seat without greasing up, don't buy the frickin ticket! Cause ol Skully doesn't need your thigh laid across his lap.

On a more positive (but less constructive note), the show was great! Yes, Skully shoveled out a few hundred bucks to watch a guy with puppets. Don't tell his crew.


Jeff Dunham And Bubba J - Watch the best video clips here

This is even more hysterical if you know where Skully lives!