My Apologies

This will offend. But it's so darn funny I can't resist posting.

Fat, Stupid and Annoying

There is a reason that Skully doesn't normally shell out big money to go to concerts and performances. Not that he's cheap (he's "frugal") and not that he doen't enjoy being entertained (that's what a gangplank is all about) and not that he is anti-social (OK, not OVER anti-social). It's more of a matter of maintaining blood pressure at levels under sky-high.

Last night was a case in point. 25 degrees. Snowing. No idea why the line outside the arena was moving at the speed of smell, but it was. At least no idea why until he got inside the building and went to show his ticket. Now, first you have to understand that the arena was 80 per cent full. In other words, there were a whole lot of people... all of whom had to pass the FOUR ticket takers. Not, four per entrance... four for the whole frickin place! Oh, but not to worry, they had those little hand held scanners. You know the things. Same ones the checkout clerk has to scan, scan and rescan to get to work. Add to this wonderful technology the fact that every ticket holder was frozen and shaking and you get the picture. You could have read Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants while they were attempting to get a "beep" from each scan. Probably been more fun too.

OK, so anyway, finally get to our seats. Comfortable enough... as long as your legs are slightly shorter than 18 inches. But not to worry. Just made it "intimate". When the guy in front of me put his arm around his wife, it was almost TOO intimate. The guy could have adjusted Skully's underwear for him! OK, TMI.

The lights go down (really keeping an eye on the guy in front of me now). Performance starts. Which apparently was the precise time that some lady in the row ahead of me decided she JUST HAD to talk to her friend, pimp, bookie - whatever - on her cell phone. Now keep in mind that the entertainer is a comedian. The whole idea is to be able to hear what the COMIC is saying, NOT what Suzy Cellphone's conversation.

But Suzy was outdone by the obnoxious people who feet it necessary to use their phones to video the act. Ever notice how bright a cell phone screen is in a dark room! Now, Skully doesn't begrudge her desire to capture the moment. I mean obviously she wants to replay the whole evening (in 30 second segments) at a later date... but from the BACK of the arena... on a 1 inch screen... shot in the dark! Come on, lady!

Fortunately the "event personnel" are highly trained customer care agents. One of Skully's young pirates "just had to have cotton candy". No worries. Skully will get it. Climbing over a dozen people, he reaches the aisle and heads to the concession booths. First one - "Cotton candy". "Don't have any". "Know where I can get some?" "No. Next". Second booth: "Got any cotton candy?" "No. next." Booth three was just like one and two. Booth four was perfect! "Got any cotton candy?" "No." "Know where I can get some?" "Hey Deadwood, know where he can get cotton candy?" "Nah. We don't sell it here." Now to grasp the situation, you have to understand that this is the response from one of the concession workers who is serving a gal WHO IS HOLDING COTTON CANDY". Commenting on this to the brilliant and informed attendant, I receive the following response: "She must have brought it with her". You can't make up stuff this good.

Finally I find it. At the snow cone stand. Good news - only three people in front of me. Bad news - the snow cone queen apparently feels the creation of a snow cone is "art". 30 minutes pass.

So, since I have griped about stupid and annoying, probably best to leave my aggravation with severely obese people alone. Let's just say that if you know you cant wedge into a stadium seat without greasing up, don't buy the frickin ticket! Cause ol Skully doesn't need your thigh laid across his lap.

On a more positive (but less constructive note), the show was great! Yes, Skully shoveled out a few hundred bucks to watch a guy with puppets. Don't tell his crew.


Jeff Dunham And Bubba J - Watch the best video clips here

This is even more hysterical if you know where Skully lives!

Today I Picked a Fight

Today I picked a fight... or maybe more accurately, I picked up the gauntlet and used it aggressively and offensively with force. Pirates don't do this indiscriminately. Pirates don't do it without a sense of personal conviction or resolve. This particular fight is, without question, more than a skirmish and is, in fact, a professional battle. Damn! It felt good. The stakes? High. The cost, regardless of the outcome, extreme. But the cost of not doing it... impossible to pay. Without romanticizing the battle, the cost of silence was more than I could bear.

Having said all of that, if there is a lengthy lapse on blog posts, well, it's because Skully is now riding on a dump truck in Hoboken. But at least he will still be carrying his sword with honor. Oh, crap! What did I do? Just kidding. Stand tall. Fight hard. Compete for honor. There is always, "Welcome to Wal-Mart".

William knew it best and remains the ultimate Pirate!

"Would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance to come back here, and tell our enemies, that they may take our lives. But they'll never take our freedom!"

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to pick a fight."

"... Well, we didn't get dressed up for nothin."

And that, my friends, is precisely how this Ol Pirate feels. "He didn't get dressed up for nuthin".

Missing Chakra

Ok, I am going to piss somebody off. Probably not a wise idea but Skully had a small second scotch tonight. Pretty small anyway. Just enough to "get him thinking". And I started wondering about my chakra. First, I had no idea what a chakra was. Second, I didn't know if I needed one. So... I looked it up.

Chakra - one of the seven centers of spiritual energy in the human body according to yoga philosophy.

At this point, you are either giggling or nodding your head in "enlightened understanding". This got me thinking some more. Not for long. I gave up. I guess some people do believe in this stuff - and I can prove it because the paid ads on the Google page for the definition were proclaiming miracles on "teeth whitening" and "how to lose belly fat". Now, THIS definitely got me thinking.

1. Assume this is yoga philosophy (that's the definition).
2. Therefore conclude that people engaged in yoga are A) Suffering from belly fat and B) Embarrassed by unsightly dull teeth.

Suddenly, it hit me... this isn't "yoga" philosophy, this is Yogi The Bear Philosophy! Belly fat - definitely a bear. Yellow teeth - bear again. "Seven spiritual centers of the human body - well, bears are known to be a little slow in the thinking department. Of course, Ol Smokey is excluded. He's one fine, handsome and intelligent bear. Wonder what he thinks of "chakra".

I'd track old Yogi down but it's cold outside and the second (small) scotch is running low.

Pre-Resolution Resolution

Pretty much that time of the year. The Ol Christmas tree is up. Ornaments have been applied. Wreath on the door. You got the picture... crap everywhere. And one really pleasant Arctic draft mysteriously finding it's way through the mid-ship. Yeah, good times... good times. Don't get Skully wrong, he enthusiastically celebrates the reason for the season; while not exactly embracing how it's celebrated. Not sure that Christ ever meant for us to spend more hours in paying for stuff that we don't need than in prayer for the things we really do, but that's a whole 'nother issue.

Figured I might as well get a head start on those NY Resolutions. Started the list. Got to be somewhere around novel-length and I began to notice something interesting (or depressing, depending on how you want to look at it). Every one of the resolutions were "do-overs", meaning that I had resolved myself to them before.

So, here's my one and only 2009 Resolution so far:

I resolve to not put a single repeat resolution on my list for 2009.

Pretty much takes my list to zero and somehow, that just don't seem like such a bad thing.

Wealth

Hey there, Skully friends. Great news. Just checked the old bucket of money known as "net worth" and I am in great shape! As long as it's still 1985. What's going on? Well, this old pirate's clearly not smart enough to understand high finance. Sort of seems to me that maybe that $800 billion is more like a gift than an investment. Oh, well, it's only about $3ook per adult. Now I get it! Now I know where my retirement savings went. I feel, oh so much better now. It was a gift from me!

Annual Ligthing of the Cacti

Yes, tonight was the Annual Lighting of the Cacti. Pictures to come. The holiday tradition has previously been the blowing up of the Snow Bitch. This entailed the creation of a snow woman (reasonably anatomically correct), followed by the lighting of the fireworks (adorning certain body parts). Fun for the whole family! However, given the region of the country in which Skully finds himself ensconced, we have been looking for a new tradition. Fortunately, this year has brought the acquisition of several cacti festooned with holiday lights. Thank you to Home Depot's "deep discount" department.

Everything went off without a significant glitch. A few minor issues revolving around extension cords presented themselves but were overcome.

Happy 208 Holidays!

Snow Days and Bufays

Just heard it on the radio. "Rain should start around 9 tonight, eventually turning to snow. With accumulation of up to 2 inches, you may want to work late this evening just in case you can't get to the office Tuesday morning". I am not kidding! Aside from the 2 inches "being to much to get through"... somebody is actually suggesting that Skully stays late tonight, just in case. Clearly, a radio news spot that needed some "fill time".

Here's something that has been bothering me:

BUFFET: Jimmy pronounces his last name, "Buffit".
BUFFET: Hogs are fed at the "bufay". (Human hogs... the four legged kind are fed at the troff).
BUFFET: The artist pronounces his name "boofay" and his first name (Guy) is pronounced "gey" - sounds like "key".

Yes, winter weather has arrived and Skully is:
A) Not happy.
B) Cold.
C) Headed for the Kuys. (note the tie-in to the above ranting/musing).

Obviously, far too much time spent listening to Tropicast Radio (podcast) and Margaritaville (Sirius) while freezing behind off as he put up lights on the outside of the house over the weekend.

This is one pirate in desperate need of Boat Drinks. Probably not a good idea. It's a little early in the season to be shooting holes in the freezer.

PS: If you haven't (and you should) heard Tropicast Radio, check it out in the Pod stuff at iTunes. Tons of great downloads. Best done with a Landshark or a Pacifico.

Oh, one more thing, notice the clever way that the title ties two concepts together and does it in rhyme. The idea was all mine.

Where Humanity Went Wrong

Now, before you think Ol Skully has gone round the bin and is looking to solve some major world crisis, keep in mind that’s just not his style. The world is facing some pretty big problems like, the lame idea that some zealots have about downsizing fast food portions. That’s just plain ludicrous. I say, “Bring on the 128 oz. Mega Gulp!” By the way, its not really consumer advocate groups, it’s the fast food companies that just want to skinny up the portions and fatten up their wallets. Hey! My blog, my conspiracies.

No, what Ol Skully is talking about is email, texting, SMS, MMS, Twitter and the rest. All of this digital connectivity is disconnecting us from one another on a very personal level. Remember way back in those school days when they taught you that most of communication is non-verbal? Well, show me how to do that electronically! Point is, words, by themselves, don’t and can’t convey the whole message. Oh, you say, “But what about those cute little emoticons? I’ll tell you what to do with that emoticon. Besides, if you are over the age where you or your friends use a smiley face to adorn your “i”, then don’t even think of using emoticons. Aint no way anybody is going to take you seriously. Period.

Nowhere is the lack of “human touch” (no, I don’t mean a happy ending) more important than in sales and customer interactions AND FOR SOME REASON EVERYBODY THINKS IT’S OK TO CORRESPOND VIA EMAIL (see how I am yelling)!

Want to improve your real relationships? How about trying the good old-fashioned hand-written note! All the great salespeople know it’s importance (Joe Girard, Tom Hopkins, Harvey MacKay, etc.) and those notes are never more important than now. When was the last time you got a personal card, note or letter from somebody? Can you even remember? If you do recall that little trivia data bite, it’s because they are so rare!

Do humanity a little favor (for fun and profit), send some good old-fashioned thoughts through snail mail. Who knows, maybe between us, we can change the world. Ok, probably not, but we can sure let people know we care about them… and that, my fellow pirates is precisely what makes people care about us.

Well, Skully has to run, he’s gotta send an email to his dear Mother, just to touch base, you know.

Screwed Up Since Kindergarten

Ran across “that book” the other day at the bookstore. Pissed me off. What do they mean, “I learned everything I need to know in kindergarten”? Kindergarten was the foundation of all of my problems.

1. Lay down on a mat that somebody else uses also.
2. Drink juice from a box.
3. Play nice with everybody.
4. Sit still.
5. Pay attention.
6. Do what you are told, not what you want to do.
7. Ask for permission to use the restroom.
8. Respect your teacher.

So, here’s how it worked out.

1. I now know where lice come from.
2. I thought juice came from a box, not an orange. Obviously we all know that wine comes from boxes.
3. Play nice with everybody? Yeah, right. That makes sense. “I don’t care that you hit me in the face and your mommy spends a lot of time with Mr. Whipple’s Charmin, I love you anyway?”
4. I sit still for very long and I fall asleep. Not real impressive at the old board meeting.
5. Now, paying attention isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but who am I paying attention to? I can’t pay attention when I am talking! What fun is it to listen?
6. Let’s not even go down the path of “doing what you are told”. That’s the whole problem in America. We are becoming a nation of “assembly line work ethic” when we should be spending some time under a palm tree or sky diving or weaving beanies or whatever the heck turns us on! We need more passion! We need more fruitcakes (sorry Jimmy). And when was the last time you were passionate about what somebody told you to do?
   
7. Let’s think about this one. Who knows better when I need to go, me or somebody else? I think we understand the ramifications.
8. Respect my teacher. Only if I get to choose her/him.

Sure, I got screwier after kindergarten, but I just know that's when the whole mess got started.

One Proud Papa Pirate

Skully admits it. His kids are the best in the world... well, most of the time. They sure are a whole lot better than somebody's dog, even if it is named, Savannah Jane. Anywhoo, just wanted to take a minute and share with you lucky readers a couple of photos the older kid took.



Are these cool or what! PS: Downloads are available in the checkout section. Cash payments are just fine. Large bills are preferred, they are easier to store.

In case you think she got her talent from Skully... here's his:

Wake Up and Smell 2009 Fellow Salespeople!

2009 – A Very Different Year

Skully took a little sightseeing trip on “Black Friday”. No, he didn’t go out in hot pursuit of “50% Off” deals. He went out in search of the people searching for those deals. He took his day off and spent it traveling from one sale to the next. He ventured into bookstores, boutiques, home improvement stores and YIKES, even malls. All in all, it was not the sort of day that he would have spent nursing a cold libation under a palm tree. He did all of this for his fellow pirates. He did it for you. With clipboard in hand, he set out on the most dangerous waters of the planet… the busiest shopping day of the year. He wanted to see first-hand what the real economy looked like.

1. Mall parking lots were busier than your average holiday weekend.
2. Store lots were not as full as retailers would hope.
3. Lots of shoppers, much fewer buyers.
4. Staple items were being purchased. Big-ticket luxury items were not. Little Johnny may still get an expensive gift for Christmas but he won’t get multiple expensive gifts. That means fewer units need to be produced, fewer workers to produce them, fewer corporate health plan participants. Fewer boxes shipped to stores. Fewer units for distributors to pack. Well, you get the picture. Everything is effected and it translates to less demand… for just about everything.


In other words, he learned little that he didn’t already feel like he knew.

What his fearless research shows is that even with fuel prices extraordinarily low, even with big discounts, even with a recent run up in the stock market… people have retrenched. Big surprise. So, what’s this have to do with being a professional sales person in 2009? Hey, did you snicker at the oxymoron, “professional sales person”? Come on, there are a few out there! What this has to do with professional sales in 2009 is that the game is going to change dramatically in the upcoming year.

It doesn’t matter if you are selling B2B or B2C; you are going to have to acknowledge that your job is going to be a lot, and Skully means, A WHOLE LOT, in 2009.

1. Consumers will purchase less. Business buyers will purchase less. Look, everyone is going to be more cautious. They will look to buy only what is needed. They will probably buy less than they have before. They are going to stretch another week out of that disposable razor blade. They are going to cut inventories and order more frequently.

2. Companies will need less of everything as they pare down their “non-essential assets”, like people. Sell trucking services? Plan on your customers reducing the total number of miles and shipments. Sell legal services? Plan on your customers, er, I mean, “clients” bringing fewer products to market (less patent work). Sell machine parts? Well, the equipment those part go onto are going to be run less. You get the point. Fewer sales/customer.

3. New customers will be harder to attract. There will simply be less demand for whatever it is you offer.

4. Existing customers will be far less loyal. Sure, you have taken great care of them. Heck, you even took Mr. Big a box of Padron Anniversary stogies, but they won’t mean squat when the corporate mandate is “Find a way to reduce costs or find a new job… you have 48 hours”.

5. Price erosion. Just know that a number (maybe all) of your best customers will get a big discount – either from you or your competitor. And if the discount is from you, guess what? That’s a drop in your sales. If the discount is from a competitor, that’s a HUGE drop in your sales.


Sound pretty ugly, doesn’t it? Well, reality isn’t always pretty, but it is always real. Yes, you can quote me on that. But here is the good part…

If you are willing to work harder, if you are have buckets of stick-to-it-ness, 2009 can be the very best year you have ever had! “How?” you ask. Well, here’s a few easy (to understand, hard to do) pointers:

1. Work. I mean really, really work. 10 hours a day. 6 hours prospecting, 2 hours account management and 2 hours planning and preparing. Yes, it is that simple. Just one more contact in the morning and one at the end of the day and Viola!, another 400 possible opportunities a year.
2. Deliver good news. Your customers and prospects want some hope. They are hearing doom and gloom from every corner. They need to hear how you can help them with their corporate initiatives. They need to hear how you can help them keep their job. How you can help their company be prosperous. They want SOLUTIONS to their problems (not mind-numbing diatribes on your product/service features.
3. Partner. Your customers want an ally. They want a trusted partner (you, not your company) that they can talk to and bounce ideas off of. They want somebody that they know understands and cares about them.

Sure, you can ignore Skully’s comments. You can even disagree with them. And not to put too fine of a point on it, you can watch your current customers buy 25% less stuff from you, get a 10% price reduction and lose 20% of them to competitors (and if you were in the Pirating business, Skully hopes that you do just that), or you can work harder and deliver more value than ever before. When the tide turns, you will be standing on the top of the mountain, looking down into the valley where all of the huddled masses commiserate after having given up. The choice is yours.