My Apologies

This will offend. But it's so darn funny I can't resist posting.

Fat, Stupid and Annoying

There is a reason that Skully doesn't normally shell out big money to go to concerts and performances. Not that he's cheap (he's "frugal") and not that he doen't enjoy being entertained (that's what a gangplank is all about) and not that he is anti-social (OK, not OVER anti-social). It's more of a matter of maintaining blood pressure at levels under sky-high.

Last night was a case in point. 25 degrees. Snowing. No idea why the line outside the arena was moving at the speed of smell, but it was. At least no idea why until he got inside the building and went to show his ticket. Now, first you have to understand that the arena was 80 per cent full. In other words, there were a whole lot of people... all of whom had to pass the FOUR ticket takers. Not, four per entrance... four for the whole frickin place! Oh, but not to worry, they had those little hand held scanners. You know the things. Same ones the checkout clerk has to scan, scan and rescan to get to work. Add to this wonderful technology the fact that every ticket holder was frozen and shaking and you get the picture. You could have read Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants while they were attempting to get a "beep" from each scan. Probably been more fun too.

OK, so anyway, finally get to our seats. Comfortable enough... as long as your legs are slightly shorter than 18 inches. But not to worry. Just made it "intimate". When the guy in front of me put his arm around his wife, it was almost TOO intimate. The guy could have adjusted Skully's underwear for him! OK, TMI.

The lights go down (really keeping an eye on the guy in front of me now). Performance starts. Which apparently was the precise time that some lady in the row ahead of me decided she JUST HAD to talk to her friend, pimp, bookie - whatever - on her cell phone. Now keep in mind that the entertainer is a comedian. The whole idea is to be able to hear what the COMIC is saying, NOT what Suzy Cellphone's conversation.

But Suzy was outdone by the obnoxious people who feet it necessary to use their phones to video the act. Ever notice how bright a cell phone screen is in a dark room! Now, Skully doesn't begrudge her desire to capture the moment. I mean obviously she wants to replay the whole evening (in 30 second segments) at a later date... but from the BACK of the arena... on a 1 inch screen... shot in the dark! Come on, lady!

Fortunately the "event personnel" are highly trained customer care agents. One of Skully's young pirates "just had to have cotton candy". No worries. Skully will get it. Climbing over a dozen people, he reaches the aisle and heads to the concession booths. First one - "Cotton candy". "Don't have any". "Know where I can get some?" "No. Next". Second booth: "Got any cotton candy?" "No. next." Booth three was just like one and two. Booth four was perfect! "Got any cotton candy?" "No." "Know where I can get some?" "Hey Deadwood, know where he can get cotton candy?" "Nah. We don't sell it here." Now to grasp the situation, you have to understand that this is the response from one of the concession workers who is serving a gal WHO IS HOLDING COTTON CANDY". Commenting on this to the brilliant and informed attendant, I receive the following response: "She must have brought it with her". You can't make up stuff this good.

Finally I find it. At the snow cone stand. Good news - only three people in front of me. Bad news - the snow cone queen apparently feels the creation of a snow cone is "art". 30 minutes pass.

So, since I have griped about stupid and annoying, probably best to leave my aggravation with severely obese people alone. Let's just say that if you know you cant wedge into a stadium seat without greasing up, don't buy the frickin ticket! Cause ol Skully doesn't need your thigh laid across his lap.

On a more positive (but less constructive note), the show was great! Yes, Skully shoveled out a few hundred bucks to watch a guy with puppets. Don't tell his crew.


Jeff Dunham And Bubba J - Watch the best video clips here

This is even more hysterical if you know where Skully lives!

Today I Picked a Fight

Today I picked a fight... or maybe more accurately, I picked up the gauntlet and used it aggressively and offensively with force. Pirates don't do this indiscriminately. Pirates don't do it without a sense of personal conviction or resolve. This particular fight is, without question, more than a skirmish and is, in fact, a professional battle. Damn! It felt good. The stakes? High. The cost, regardless of the outcome, extreme. But the cost of not doing it... impossible to pay. Without romanticizing the battle, the cost of silence was more than I could bear.

Having said all of that, if there is a lengthy lapse on blog posts, well, it's because Skully is now riding on a dump truck in Hoboken. But at least he will still be carrying his sword with honor. Oh, crap! What did I do? Just kidding. Stand tall. Fight hard. Compete for honor. There is always, "Welcome to Wal-Mart".

William knew it best and remains the ultimate Pirate!

"Would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that, for one chance, just one chance to come back here, and tell our enemies, that they may take our lives. But they'll never take our freedom!"

"Where are you going?"

"I'm going to pick a fight."

"... Well, we didn't get dressed up for nothin."

And that, my friends, is precisely how this Ol Pirate feels. "He didn't get dressed up for nuthin".

Missing Chakra

Ok, I am going to piss somebody off. Probably not a wise idea but Skully had a small second scotch tonight. Pretty small anyway. Just enough to "get him thinking". And I started wondering about my chakra. First, I had no idea what a chakra was. Second, I didn't know if I needed one. So... I looked it up.

Chakra - one of the seven centers of spiritual energy in the human body according to yoga philosophy.

At this point, you are either giggling or nodding your head in "enlightened understanding". This got me thinking some more. Not for long. I gave up. I guess some people do believe in this stuff - and I can prove it because the paid ads on the Google page for the definition were proclaiming miracles on "teeth whitening" and "how to lose belly fat". Now, THIS definitely got me thinking.

1. Assume this is yoga philosophy (that's the definition).
2. Therefore conclude that people engaged in yoga are A) Suffering from belly fat and B) Embarrassed by unsightly dull teeth.

Suddenly, it hit me... this isn't "yoga" philosophy, this is Yogi The Bear Philosophy! Belly fat - definitely a bear. Yellow teeth - bear again. "Seven spiritual centers of the human body - well, bears are known to be a little slow in the thinking department. Of course, Ol Smokey is excluded. He's one fine, handsome and intelligent bear. Wonder what he thinks of "chakra".

I'd track old Yogi down but it's cold outside and the second (small) scotch is running low.

Pre-Resolution Resolution

Pretty much that time of the year. The Ol Christmas tree is up. Ornaments have been applied. Wreath on the door. You got the picture... crap everywhere. And one really pleasant Arctic draft mysteriously finding it's way through the mid-ship. Yeah, good times... good times. Don't get Skully wrong, he enthusiastically celebrates the reason for the season; while not exactly embracing how it's celebrated. Not sure that Christ ever meant for us to spend more hours in paying for stuff that we don't need than in prayer for the things we really do, but that's a whole 'nother issue.

Figured I might as well get a head start on those NY Resolutions. Started the list. Got to be somewhere around novel-length and I began to notice something interesting (or depressing, depending on how you want to look at it). Every one of the resolutions were "do-overs", meaning that I had resolved myself to them before.

So, here's my one and only 2009 Resolution so far:

I resolve to not put a single repeat resolution on my list for 2009.

Pretty much takes my list to zero and somehow, that just don't seem like such a bad thing.

Wealth

Hey there, Skully friends. Great news. Just checked the old bucket of money known as "net worth" and I am in great shape! As long as it's still 1985. What's going on? Well, this old pirate's clearly not smart enough to understand high finance. Sort of seems to me that maybe that $800 billion is more like a gift than an investment. Oh, well, it's only about $3ook per adult. Now I get it! Now I know where my retirement savings went. I feel, oh so much better now. It was a gift from me!

Annual Ligthing of the Cacti

Yes, tonight was the Annual Lighting of the Cacti. Pictures to come. The holiday tradition has previously been the blowing up of the Snow Bitch. This entailed the creation of a snow woman (reasonably anatomically correct), followed by the lighting of the fireworks (adorning certain body parts). Fun for the whole family! However, given the region of the country in which Skully finds himself ensconced, we have been looking for a new tradition. Fortunately, this year has brought the acquisition of several cacti festooned with holiday lights. Thank you to Home Depot's "deep discount" department.

Everything went off without a significant glitch. A few minor issues revolving around extension cords presented themselves but were overcome.

Happy 208 Holidays!

Snow Days and Bufays

Just heard it on the radio. "Rain should start around 9 tonight, eventually turning to snow. With accumulation of up to 2 inches, you may want to work late this evening just in case you can't get to the office Tuesday morning". I am not kidding! Aside from the 2 inches "being to much to get through"... somebody is actually suggesting that Skully stays late tonight, just in case. Clearly, a radio news spot that needed some "fill time".

Here's something that has been bothering me:

BUFFET: Jimmy pronounces his last name, "Buffit".
BUFFET: Hogs are fed at the "bufay". (Human hogs... the four legged kind are fed at the troff).
BUFFET: The artist pronounces his name "boofay" and his first name (Guy) is pronounced "gey" - sounds like "key".

Yes, winter weather has arrived and Skully is:
A) Not happy.
B) Cold.
C) Headed for the Kuys. (note the tie-in to the above ranting/musing).

Obviously, far too much time spent listening to Tropicast Radio (podcast) and Margaritaville (Sirius) while freezing behind off as he put up lights on the outside of the house over the weekend.

This is one pirate in desperate need of Boat Drinks. Probably not a good idea. It's a little early in the season to be shooting holes in the freezer.

PS: If you haven't (and you should) heard Tropicast Radio, check it out in the Pod stuff at iTunes. Tons of great downloads. Best done with a Landshark or a Pacifico.

Oh, one more thing, notice the clever way that the title ties two concepts together and does it in rhyme. The idea was all mine.

Where Humanity Went Wrong

Now, before you think Ol Skully has gone round the bin and is looking to solve some major world crisis, keep in mind that’s just not his style. The world is facing some pretty big problems like, the lame idea that some zealots have about downsizing fast food portions. That’s just plain ludicrous. I say, “Bring on the 128 oz. Mega Gulp!” By the way, its not really consumer advocate groups, it’s the fast food companies that just want to skinny up the portions and fatten up their wallets. Hey! My blog, my conspiracies.

No, what Ol Skully is talking about is email, texting, SMS, MMS, Twitter and the rest. All of this digital connectivity is disconnecting us from one another on a very personal level. Remember way back in those school days when they taught you that most of communication is non-verbal? Well, show me how to do that electronically! Point is, words, by themselves, don’t and can’t convey the whole message. Oh, you say, “But what about those cute little emoticons? I’ll tell you what to do with that emoticon. Besides, if you are over the age where you or your friends use a smiley face to adorn your “i”, then don’t even think of using emoticons. Aint no way anybody is going to take you seriously. Period.

Nowhere is the lack of “human touch” (no, I don’t mean a happy ending) more important than in sales and customer interactions AND FOR SOME REASON EVERYBODY THINKS IT’S OK TO CORRESPOND VIA EMAIL (see how I am yelling)!

Want to improve your real relationships? How about trying the good old-fashioned hand-written note! All the great salespeople know it’s importance (Joe Girard, Tom Hopkins, Harvey MacKay, etc.) and those notes are never more important than now. When was the last time you got a personal card, note or letter from somebody? Can you even remember? If you do recall that little trivia data bite, it’s because they are so rare!

Do humanity a little favor (for fun and profit), send some good old-fashioned thoughts through snail mail. Who knows, maybe between us, we can change the world. Ok, probably not, but we can sure let people know we care about them… and that, my fellow pirates is precisely what makes people care about us.

Well, Skully has to run, he’s gotta send an email to his dear Mother, just to touch base, you know.

Screwed Up Since Kindergarten

Ran across “that book” the other day at the bookstore. Pissed me off. What do they mean, “I learned everything I need to know in kindergarten”? Kindergarten was the foundation of all of my problems.

1. Lay down on a mat that somebody else uses also.
2. Drink juice from a box.
3. Play nice with everybody.
4. Sit still.
5. Pay attention.
6. Do what you are told, not what you want to do.
7. Ask for permission to use the restroom.
8. Respect your teacher.

So, here’s how it worked out.

1. I now know where lice come from.
2. I thought juice came from a box, not an orange. Obviously we all know that wine comes from boxes.
3. Play nice with everybody? Yeah, right. That makes sense. “I don’t care that you hit me in the face and your mommy spends a lot of time with Mr. Whipple’s Charmin, I love you anyway?”
4. I sit still for very long and I fall asleep. Not real impressive at the old board meeting.
5. Now, paying attention isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but who am I paying attention to? I can’t pay attention when I am talking! What fun is it to listen?
6. Let’s not even go down the path of “doing what you are told”. That’s the whole problem in America. We are becoming a nation of “assembly line work ethic” when we should be spending some time under a palm tree or sky diving or weaving beanies or whatever the heck turns us on! We need more passion! We need more fruitcakes (sorry Jimmy). And when was the last time you were passionate about what somebody told you to do?
   
7. Let’s think about this one. Who knows better when I need to go, me or somebody else? I think we understand the ramifications.
8. Respect my teacher. Only if I get to choose her/him.

Sure, I got screwier after kindergarten, but I just know that's when the whole mess got started.

One Proud Papa Pirate

Skully admits it. His kids are the best in the world... well, most of the time. They sure are a whole lot better than somebody's dog, even if it is named, Savannah Jane. Anywhoo, just wanted to take a minute and share with you lucky readers a couple of photos the older kid took.



Are these cool or what! PS: Downloads are available in the checkout section. Cash payments are just fine. Large bills are preferred, they are easier to store.

In case you think she got her talent from Skully... here's his:

Wake Up and Smell 2009 Fellow Salespeople!

2009 – A Very Different Year

Skully took a little sightseeing trip on “Black Friday”. No, he didn’t go out in hot pursuit of “50% Off” deals. He went out in search of the people searching for those deals. He took his day off and spent it traveling from one sale to the next. He ventured into bookstores, boutiques, home improvement stores and YIKES, even malls. All in all, it was not the sort of day that he would have spent nursing a cold libation under a palm tree. He did all of this for his fellow pirates. He did it for you. With clipboard in hand, he set out on the most dangerous waters of the planet… the busiest shopping day of the year. He wanted to see first-hand what the real economy looked like.

1. Mall parking lots were busier than your average holiday weekend.
2. Store lots were not as full as retailers would hope.
3. Lots of shoppers, much fewer buyers.
4. Staple items were being purchased. Big-ticket luxury items were not. Little Johnny may still get an expensive gift for Christmas but he won’t get multiple expensive gifts. That means fewer units need to be produced, fewer workers to produce them, fewer corporate health plan participants. Fewer boxes shipped to stores. Fewer units for distributors to pack. Well, you get the picture. Everything is effected and it translates to less demand… for just about everything.


In other words, he learned little that he didn’t already feel like he knew.

What his fearless research shows is that even with fuel prices extraordinarily low, even with big discounts, even with a recent run up in the stock market… people have retrenched. Big surprise. So, what’s this have to do with being a professional sales person in 2009? Hey, did you snicker at the oxymoron, “professional sales person”? Come on, there are a few out there! What this has to do with professional sales in 2009 is that the game is going to change dramatically in the upcoming year.

It doesn’t matter if you are selling B2B or B2C; you are going to have to acknowledge that your job is going to be a lot, and Skully means, A WHOLE LOT, in 2009.

1. Consumers will purchase less. Business buyers will purchase less. Look, everyone is going to be more cautious. They will look to buy only what is needed. They will probably buy less than they have before. They are going to stretch another week out of that disposable razor blade. They are going to cut inventories and order more frequently.

2. Companies will need less of everything as they pare down their “non-essential assets”, like people. Sell trucking services? Plan on your customers reducing the total number of miles and shipments. Sell legal services? Plan on your customers, er, I mean, “clients” bringing fewer products to market (less patent work). Sell machine parts? Well, the equipment those part go onto are going to be run less. You get the point. Fewer sales/customer.

3. New customers will be harder to attract. There will simply be less demand for whatever it is you offer.

4. Existing customers will be far less loyal. Sure, you have taken great care of them. Heck, you even took Mr. Big a box of Padron Anniversary stogies, but they won’t mean squat when the corporate mandate is “Find a way to reduce costs or find a new job… you have 48 hours”.

5. Price erosion. Just know that a number (maybe all) of your best customers will get a big discount – either from you or your competitor. And if the discount is from you, guess what? That’s a drop in your sales. If the discount is from a competitor, that’s a HUGE drop in your sales.


Sound pretty ugly, doesn’t it? Well, reality isn’t always pretty, but it is always real. Yes, you can quote me on that. But here is the good part…

If you are willing to work harder, if you are have buckets of stick-to-it-ness, 2009 can be the very best year you have ever had! “How?” you ask. Well, here’s a few easy (to understand, hard to do) pointers:

1. Work. I mean really, really work. 10 hours a day. 6 hours prospecting, 2 hours account management and 2 hours planning and preparing. Yes, it is that simple. Just one more contact in the morning and one at the end of the day and Viola!, another 400 possible opportunities a year.
2. Deliver good news. Your customers and prospects want some hope. They are hearing doom and gloom from every corner. They need to hear how you can help them with their corporate initiatives. They need to hear how you can help them keep their job. How you can help their company be prosperous. They want SOLUTIONS to their problems (not mind-numbing diatribes on your product/service features.
3. Partner. Your customers want an ally. They want a trusted partner (you, not your company) that they can talk to and bounce ideas off of. They want somebody that they know understands and cares about them.

Sure, you can ignore Skully’s comments. You can even disagree with them. And not to put too fine of a point on it, you can watch your current customers buy 25% less stuff from you, get a 10% price reduction and lose 20% of them to competitors (and if you were in the Pirating business, Skully hopes that you do just that), or you can work harder and deliver more value than ever before. When the tide turns, you will be standing on the top of the mountain, looking down into the valley where all of the huddled masses commiserate after having given up. The choice is yours.

Happy Thanksgiving

Quotes on Thanksgiving. Take your pick. And it doesn't hurt to remember that this is one holiday that is truly and uniquely American!

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."

JFK

"Here I am at 5 o'clock in the morning stuffing bread crumbs up a dead bird's butt."

Roseanne Barr

And for those of you gathered around the kitchen table with family and friends, you may want to keep these words of wisdom in mind. If you are really courageous, you may want to offer them up as thanks.

"God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends."

Ethel Watts Mumford

See? Success Isn't That Hard in Corporate America

Skully is a Big Company Refuge. He walked off that gangplank a long time ago and has found the waters to be just fine, thank you. Another one of his pirate pals sent him this.



It would be really, really funny if it wasn't so true. Thanks, M, it does remind me of the old days.

No bright ideas.
Play it safe.
No point of view.
Smile at execs.
Company policy is by me ok.
Every day, same lunch.

Stupid Stuff

Patents. According to the US Patent and Trademark Office:

The Constitution of the United States gives Congress the power to enact laws relating to patents, in Article I, section 8, which reads “Congress shall have power . . . to promote the progress of science and useful arts, by securing for limited times to authors and inventors the exclusive right to their respective writings and discoveries.” Under this power Congress has from time to time enacted various laws relating to patents.

http://www.uspto.gov/web/offices/pac/doc/general/index.html#patent

Now, read this again... "to promote the progress of science and useful arts". Got it? Cool. Now consider patent #6644498. According to the Summary, this patent is for, "The present invention is a continuous strip of ring blanks that can be torn from the continuous strip and formed into napkin rings." Yes kids, its a patent to protect the inventor of paper napkin rings! Seriously! OK, its more technical but I have in my hand one paper napkin ring. Its a strip of paper with adhesive on it. Somehow it would seem to Simply Skully that this fails both the "unique" and "non-obvious" tests but that's probably because I am not sufficiently enlightened as to the sheer brilliance of said invention.

According to Skully's brief perusal of the Internet, one can apply for a patent for as little as $500 but the average cost to receive a patent is between $5000 and $10,000. Clearly a bargain if your goal is to protect the intellectual property brilliance of, well, say, "paper napkin rings on a roll".

9 Sales Tips For RIGHT NOW!

OK, so Skully finally comes clean. Yes, he is a sales guy. And no, he doesn't need any more jokes about which is a lower life form:
A. Pirate.
B. Sales Guy.
C. Lawyer.

Note: Obviously the answer is C.

Skully's crew and mates are mostly sales guys and gals so it's pretty difficult for him not to sometimes drag "sales stuff" into his blog. But with the amount of bitchin' he is hearing right now, he simply can't stand by and not say something. Silence is not a characteristic he often exhibits. Besides, who knows... maybe it will help some other pirate out there.

1. Holiday Times Are Great Sales Times - because the competition is probably taking the winter nap.
2. Share Some Good News - because everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY, is complaining about the economy and who can't use a little good news any way.
3. Find a Reason To Make Contact - what better time than at the holidays to thank somebody for their business support.
4. Make 400 More Contact Calls - as easy as one in the morning and one at the end of the day, every day. Admit it, for some of you that's more total prospecting calls than you are making now.
5. Prospect. Prospect. Prospect. Customers are fickle. Times are a little dicey. More customers will fall prey to the new guy who offers a price discount.
6. Hunt Big. Go where volume is. Yes, big prey can be tougher to bring down but 200 pound tuna feeds a lot more people than 100 7 inch bluegills. And they are more fun AND most of your competitors are too chicken to hunt big prey anyway.
7. Opportunity and Obligation. Seth Godin attributes Flynn Berry with the following quote:

   "It's not an opportunity, it's an obligation"

8. Think about that statement the next time you agree to do anything (meet quota, solve a need, show up for Johnny's 1st grade concert). In sales, if you are serious about success, your goal has to be to find an "opportunity" in which you are uniquely qualified to solve a problem. Once you find that "opportunity", doesn't it just make sense that you now have an "obligation" to deliver that solution? Of course it does. Find opportunities and become personally obligated to solving them.
9. Find Like Minded Allies. Find success-driven people and hang out with them. Hold each other accountable for staying upbeat, positive and success-directed. I don't think I can emphasize this enough.

Not The Usual Rant

A friend of Skully's is struggling with some stuff. No names. No details. He/She knows who he/she is. Skully's not the most sensitive guy and pretty much misses out on a lot of what people are going through - mainly because he doesn't listen. But there are times when he sees somebody breaking.

Pal - I want you to know that you are a whole lot more than you know right now and I wouldn't doubt that with the holidays coming our way, some of the emotional junk is going to get worse. I don't have any great words of wisdom (wish I did) but if you can find it in you to watch the video and listen to the words, maybe you will begin to see more of who you really are.

Yes, Skully is a Christian. Probably not the best example and undoubtedly a hypocrite but give him a break... his story is still being written.

That "Special" Time of the Year

Warning: If you are looking for some great insight into life, this post probably won't provide you with much value. On the other hand, if you are young enough that you might be thinking about heading North for some great fun in the snow these holidays, this minor rant just might save you from the mistake. Remember, your elders know best (all that accumulated wisdom - prior to the onset of mad cow) and nobody goes north to retire! There is a reason for that.



It's wonderful to experience the turning of the leaves... the changing of the temperatures... wait! No, its not. Fact of the matter is that cold weather sucks. Sure, those pictures of Aspen in the winter look beautiful. But it's cold. There is wind... cold wind. There is no wind... still cold. Bottom line - Fall is beautiful BUT it's only a tease. The "treat" is cold, cold and more cold.

Come on now, which looks better? Above or either of the two below. You get three guesses.

Key West

Maui

And for my friend who is strangely and inexplicably attached to her new puppy, imagine taking SJ out in the white crap. Yes, it's oh so cute when they run around throwing mini snowballs in the air with their nose... but it aint so cute that its worth the frostbite from having to take Cujo out. PS: The walk will be longer... and there is a reason for that too. Has to do with the body's decreasing ability to "function" when it freezing. Do Fido a favor, let her poop where it's warm.

It hasn't even snowed yet in Skully Land and he's already dreading it. Time to set sail for a better latitude.

Management Sucked... Labor Saved The Day

Skully dropped by his favorite bar and grill for lunch. Service sucked. Not sorta stunk... sucked. 52 minutes to get burger and fries. 40 minutes outside his comfort zone. Wait staff was cool and kept apologizing. Other diners were pissed. Including the group who waited over 45 minutes to get every one of their orders wrong.

Management Involvement: Zero.
Management Apologies: Zero.
Compensation: Zero.

The dear waitress said as I was paying the bill, "I'm really really sorry. I just hope you come back. I really do."

That's all it took. She actually, truly and deeply cared. Even though I was leaving Zero tip. Seemed appropriate.

Will I be back? You bet. She cared... and they have great burgers.

Why don't managers/owners care as much as $/hr workers? I hear owners bitching about how hard it is to find good people... maybe they should look in the mirror when they ask that question.

Why Waste Your Time and Mine?

The pirate speaks.

How many times are you asked for "your thoughts"? Seems to happen all of the time to me. Now, before you think that I am A)bragging or B) really smart; this pirate learned (and frequently, due to ego issues, has to relearn) that the questioneer often times is really only looking for some type of validation of what they already believe - or they are testing me to see if "I am as smart as they are".

In other words, they don't truly want to know my thoughts as a lamp upon their walkway to enlightenment... they want to know if I am in their camp or they want to pat themselves on the back for their own brilliance. Either way, their inquiry becomes a waste of the few synapses I have left to utilize.

Not to put too fine of a point on in it, but... when people ask me for, "my opinion", here is my answer, "My thoughts are far too vast and complex for comprehension by mere mortals such as yourself."

Arrogant? Probably. Appropriate? Absolutely.

Taking Responsibility - CEO of Your Own Life

One things need to set for the record - Skully does not lay blame. Period. Simply put, he takes responsibility for the stuff that's in his control (darn little) and he takes responsibility for dealing with the stuff that isn't in his control (most everything). And this is why he takes exception with one of the best business minds (or at least the one of the best self-promoters) going.

Skully loves Guy Kawasaki. Hey Now! Skully's a pirate and he don't swing that way so get back on board the ship - this aint one of "those" sites, ok? Now, a sleep-over with Denny Crane, that's something different entirely (but clearly still within the bounds of hetero).

His issue with Guy right now is a recent posting on Guys' blog. The posting is great and highly practical, but it gives the reader the idea that success is based on the employer - not the employee. OK, there is some credence to that idea but Pirates take responsibility for their own lives. They don't wait to react to "signs from the CEO".

Skully highly recommends reading his post How To Tell If Your CEO Is Clueless and after you do, think about this for a minute: Do you make the same comments in your business or personal life? Are you buying your own press? Or, do you look reality firmly in the eye and say, "Bring it on! I am ready. I am in control of what I do! I am in control of my friggin life!"

If that's too much, grab a life boat, paddle for shore , crawl back up to your shack and lay down on the porch... like a whipped dog. You make the choice - but make it directly and honestly.

Oh, and by the way, if you do hear your CEO and other management types using the phrases Guy mentions, grab that life boat and paddle like hell over to a pirate ship! You'll have a lot more fun. A lot more adventure. And after all, isn't that a big part of why we hang on to this big round ball?

Why Is This Stuff So Hard?

Skully had meetings today. Skully was not smiling. No wind in his sails but he was expecting some serious hot air to come his way soon.

MEETING 1: Revolved around some strange concept called, "Organizational Development". Good way to kill some time and let the ol mind wander to the beach. I did pop up from visions of sand, bikinis, beer and boats to ask a few questions.

Q: Hey, bright boy, just what is it that you get paid to do?
A: Blah, blah, blah.

Sounded like really bad "marketing speak". You know the stuff. Incomprehensible ramblings full of buzz words and sound bites. So, I tried again.

Q: No, seriously. What is it that you get paid to do?
A: Huh?

See? The second time you ask a question, you get to the heart of the matter. He didn't know either. So he didn't feel singled out (that would be politically incorrect, picking on the idiot in the room) I tried the next person. And so it went until it was obvious that no one could distill their primary purpose for being on the payroll.

NEXT MEETING - Strategic Sales Plan Review for Upcoming Year

OK, Mr. Sales Pro, your pipeline represents 25% of your current total sales. You anticipate 20% attrition and your most active customers are down by 15%. Explain to me again just how you think you are going to grow your revenue by 35% in 2009.


NEXT MEETING - Called a boat captain I know in the keys and asked about an open-ended charter. Explained that "I don't each much for a hollow man... (if you don't get it, jump over to the link for Snoloha - great island tunes) and I'm thinking of taking a long trip but before you count your money, I have two questions for you: 1) Explain what "Organizational Development" means and 2) What do you get paid to do?" His responses brought a smile to this crusty heart. 1) Huh? (good answer) and 2) I get paid to take your sorry butt to where ever you want to go (right answer).

I guess this stuff really isn't all that hard. Like all of those brilliant business gurus say, "It's all about the people".

A True American - Vote Denny Crane

In case you remain undecided. Check out Denny. He's honest. Stands for what he believes and stands by his friends. Now, THAT's an American!

In Memorium

Tony Hillerman passed away last week. We will miss Chee and Leaphorn. To say nothing of the Begays. Tony, you will be missed but not forgotten.

Election Eve

Wow! After tomorrow, our great nation will have new leadership. Well, maybe, "leadership" is too strong of a word. After tomorrow, our great nation will have new leaders. Then again, maybe not. If I am too believe that McCain chose Palin as "his best running mate" (which suggests his best chance to win, no possible way this is the best second in command), then he has shown poor judgement or at least, very few smarts. What is far more likely is that she was selected by McCain's handlers. Evidence that "leaders" are not leaders, merely talking heads guided by the real power, the people behind the scenes. Which brings us to Obama. I don't even know where to start on that one.

Neither candidate is remotely eloquent. Neither candidate has explained their stance on anything without contradiction. Leaders have to have a strong sense of both person and purpose. They must be able to "sell their vision" - a vision in which they passionately believe in. Frankly, neither candidate has either - they lack the ability to sell their convictions and the character to have, and stick to, their convictions.

In this great nation, are these two people the best that we have to choose from? And to my dear mother, yes, I know, Teddy Roosevelt only had 2 years of political service, as does Palin. But, for crying out loud, are you really comparing The Original Rough Rider to Palin? Sorry mom.

Skully's Prediction: Obama wins and his handlers prevent him from doing the disaster that he could if he were left to his own devices.

"God bless America" - not a simple emotional statement... but an actual prayer. We are going to need it more than ever.

Me personally? I am still hopeful that Denny Crane will carry the day. At least we would know where we stand and exactly what he would do.

Advice To Junior Pirates (My Kids)

Note: This was first posted a couple of years back as "guidance" to my kids. I might as well share it with you - no way my 16 and 22 year old are going to listen to me.


The world doesn't know what's best for you... but I have some insight.

1. Relationships: God first, family second, everything after that pretty much falls into place. Yeah, I know... so do as I say, not as I do.
2. Sometimes parents blow it. See 1 above.
3. Do what you love, the money - or other rewards - will follow.
4. If you show people you care (and truly do care), they will care about you.
5. Focus on the other person. Its a lot more interesting and you, like just about everyone else, probably spend too much time thinking about "you" anyway.
6. The past is past. Let it go.
7. Really learn what Abraham Maslow was talking about in his hierarchy of needs. The applications are endless so long as its "not just about you".
8. Don't try to change people, its not your job and you're not equipped to do it anyway. Help them, care about them, but leaving the changing stuff up to God - He's better at it than you are anyway.
9. If its got an engine, its going to cost you... a whole lot more than you think.
10. Look before you leap... then leap anyway.
11. Take big risks.
12. See the world.
13. Meet people from different cultures and spend more time learning about their culture than you spend telling them about yours.
14. Try some new foods. Then go back to cheeseburgers.
15. Fictional characters are just that, fictional. Be you, not some idealized character.
16. Don't settle for anything less than deeply, incredibly, overwhelmingly incredible.
17. Life's short, forgiveness is long.
18. Friendships are rare. The ones that matter the most are probably the ones that take the most time to nurture.
19. Try to do things right the first time.
20. After you fail at 19 above, keep at it (if its worthy of the efforts) until you get it right.
21. Create value, not a big bank account.
22. Share success.
23. Take responsibilities for failure... give credit for successes away.
24. Let somebody else win sometimes.
25. Spend your time and energy on cool and worthwhile stuff... there's plenty of people who will work on junk.
26. Demand more of yourself than others.
27. Clean your room when you live with your parents.
28. Clean your room when you don't live with your parents.
29. Toxic is toxic, regardless of wherever it resides in your life.
30. Smile big and lots. Then smile bigger and more.
31. Brush your teeth.
32. Don't do something "better than someone else", do it completely differently than anyone.
33. The world needs more creators. Be creative.
34. The world needs more people of passion. Be passionate.
35. Marry once and stick it out. Marry someone of faith.
36. Be nice to mom and dad, they have a hard job.
37. Its true, you kids grow up fast... but remember, us parents grow old just as fast.
38. Take 37 to heart. Spend some time with us while before we are drooling in our oatmeal.
39. We are proud of you... even when you don't deserve it.

Note: Probably won't hurt to add granddad's advice to young men (next time, Pops, think about sharing this a little earlier, ok?): "If it's got breasts or wheels, it's going to cost you money".

What Do You Get Paid To Do?

Once again, Skully is perversely thankful for the opportunity to enjoy a work environment in which he gets paid to be entertained. Big, long meeting. Not sure of the purpose... even less sure of the outcome. "Next steps and action items"... forget about it. All sorts of ambiguous ramblings about "accountability", "teams", "productivity", "organizational development", "culture", "empowerment", blah, blah, blah. For my part, I felt compelled to throw in the concept of, "value add". Figured that one more term that no one could clearly define could only add to the obscurity of the point of the meeting. Anyhoo... one big point kept coming up - everybody wanted "accountability" from the rank and file (yes, this was a managers meeting) but no one could really answer the most basic question for each of the positions. The question is, "What do you get paid to do". Hundreds of minutes on the topic of job descriptions and performance reviews but nobody could boil it down to, "what does the person in this role get paid to do".

Why is that so difficult to answer? Because management wants "productivity"... "part per hour"... "quality ratings"... oh, and they need to interact well with the rest of the kiddies in the sandbox. Of course, they also need to be able to "do whatever it takes to (fill in the blank). I know, Skully isn't all that lucid right now... BUT - HE knows what he gets paid to do. He gets paid to be entertained.

In all seriousness, Skully is starting a new revolution. A revolution that says, "If you don't know what (and precisely what) you get paid to do - and more importantly - if your boss can't articulate what you get paid to do in a single sentence, then just quit going in to work. There really isn't any point. You might as well just have the check forwarded to your house and stay at home. If they can't tell you what you get paid to do, then they must not really know. And if they don't know, then what's the point of showing up.

World Back On Axis

Picture this. Handing my boarding ticket to checker inner guy. Lady walks in front of me and forces her ticket on the guy. And I do mean FORCES. Being both observant and wrong, I see that she is dressed in AA uniform so I assume that she is part of the crew. Oh, how I am wrong! She boards directly in front of me. Stops right at my seat. Stows two pieces of luggage in MY overhead bin. Then moves on to her seat, several rows further back. Oh, did I mention that she still has in her possession one carry on item. Yes, she boarded with THREE carry ons. Now keep in mind that I paid the $15 for my ONE checked bag and carried on a small backpack. Look, if you are going to charge for baggage (slowing the entire boarding process to a crawl Mr. American Airlines), and you are going to limit the carry-ons to two... it might be a good idea to let your employees know that they need to follow the same rules! American Airlines - YOU SUCK! Your customer minded employee prevented me not only from putting my back pack in the overhead, she didn't even leave room for me to lay out my jacket. Figured, "what the heck", balled it up in a wad and shoved it overhead. Well, at least her precious American uniform wasn't harmed. That was a close one.

On a more positive note, I did go back to Home Depot on both Saturday and Sunday. Got the same great service. Scared me pretty badly until I experienced American's abysmal service Monday. I feel better now. The world is back on its axis.

The Day The World Slipped of Its Axis

Went to Home Depot. Expected the usual. Being ignored. Asking for help and being given bad information. Not being able to find someone to help when I needed it. A checkout line with two people that somehow takes 45 minutes. You know, the usual "help" they offer.

In no way did they meet my expectations. They found what I needed. Cheerfully helped me. Smiled at me. Asked how I was doing. Downright pleasant! Clearly, the Earth slipped of its axis. Be interesting to see how other businesses handle this present economic situation. Will they become more service-oriented? Will store clerks actually serve with a smile? Will businesses fight to compete by being friendly? Or, was today just an aberration? This crusty old pirate sure hopes that Home Depot's treatment doesn't catch on. Otherwise, only the best customer-care companies will survive. Imagine what would happen then. All of the companies that compete on prices with the same products will be out of business. And you know what that means. Those very few companies left will raise prices due to lack of competition and suddenly a gallon of milk will cost $14.99.

On the flip side, then new companies will enter the market. Prices will drop. Service will go right back in the toilet. New strip centers will spring up. In other words, we will be right back where we are now.

My guess: Today was merely an aberration. Tomorrow will bring the same miserable shopping experience we are used to.

Meetings

Skully is feeling a little brief tonight. Ever notice that the initials for "Big Meeting" are BM? There is a message in there somewhere. Sat through a pretty tedious, not to mention, laborious, meeting today. Outcome? None. Time invested? 4 hours X 4 people. Cost? 4 execs earning over $150k each per year. You do the math. Issues? Serious. Action steps post-meeting? None. Good use of time or waste? Waste. Why? That's what execs do. See, Skully doesn't always get to play the pirate. Sometimes, he has to don the guise of "business person" and play at the grown up table. Lessons learned? Waste other people's time... not your own. Application: assign others to the worthless meetings and roll the hammock out on the deck. Life's short.

It's All About Me

Read somewhere that one of the "rules" for blogging is that the blog isn't something to be about the writer, but about the audience. Sounds like good marketing advice. Problem is that this blog is about me! So, I guess I will simply recognize the rule and decide to ignore it. Problem solved.

This got me thinking. For all of the new techie stuff, marketing hasn't changed. Marketeer wants to manipulate the reader/viewer to take an action. The action is generally in the best interest of the marketeer. Go figure, it's a "money thing". Yes, it should benefit the "buyer"... blah, blah, blah. Point is, either I am too old and stubborn to recognize some new dynamic or, maybe just maybe, things haven't really changed all that much since Marketing 101 way "back in the day".

Which leads me to me real point. Met an amazingly cool PR firm today that works a lot in the social media and environmental sustainability space. Way cool company. Way cool "space" (when did people quit having offices and start having "space"?). On to the point. These folks just plain "get it". They recognize that technology is the tool, not the whole point. Marketeers be warned (especially agencies), there are actually people out there that focus on the client's needs and then show them the tools that are now available to accomplish those needs/goals.

Final point: I have zero stinkin idea what any of this "new stuff" is. I don't understand twitter, friendfeed, mashable, etc. I can barely spell RSS. I wish I did, but I don't and I am too damn old to start figuring it all out! Now, find a way for me to work from my boat... then you have something. Show me where to get those cool flip flops with a built in bottle opener in the sole, then you have something. Otherwise, I am going off the grid and leaving the "cool stuff" up to the next generation. But, "next generation", just remember, I am the guy that pays you, so you better figure out a way to market to me in terms that are relevant to me... in ways that are "all about me". In other words, we are right back to square one in marketing - and we never really left.

Skully Loves His Fellow Pirates And Thoughts On Oracle

Normally, Skully is all about bragging up his fellow pirates. Unfortunately there are times when a line must be drawn in the sand. One of my best mates has a great blog. She is funnier than a one-legged pirate trying to play hopscotch. However, her recent post has gone too far. She's writing about her mucus challenges! Actually, it is very funny and once again proves that real human voices, not corporate speak, is the best form of communication. Sure, the content may be a little "snotty", but at least she is open, honest, personal and sharing real life. Might not be a bad way for corporate marketeers to communicate. Think about it. People love people. It's simply not possible to "love a company", not matter what Steve Jobs thinks.

My argument may lose some validity when you think about Oracle. Nobody (other than Larry) loves Larry. Then again, maybe nobody loves Oracle. Point proven. Skully donned his work suit (hated it) and spent time with some folks (definitely not pirates). Turns out they had tried to implement Oracle. Spent some pretty big bucks and decided to kick it overboard and watch those sunk costs... well, sink. Aint the first time this story has been told. Just a thought but, "Larry, what about slipping Skully 1 percent of the revenue you got from companies that never implemented Oracle?" Seems fair to Skully. Besides, he needs to buy his pal some new Kleenexs and with what's left over, he could probably buy that private island he has has heart set on.

A Pirate Turns 16

Aargh. The youngest pirate on the ship turns 16 Sunday! Too young to pilage and plunder, too old to hang out with pops. (Sorry to Ian Anderson and the boys of Jethro Tull for desecrating their line). Yep, the boy hits the big 16 this week. Been doing that driving thing but not quite ready to take the helm. Left Catholic confinement (sorry to Jimmy for stealing the line) at the end of Freshmen year and moved back mainstream. Doing a lot better! While Skully has nothing against Catholics or Catholic schools, the school he attended last year just plain sucked. Had nothing to do with the religion aspect, had everything to do with misguided school administration and really really arrogant teachers. Now, I don't mind forking over $9 grand for the school year, what I do mind is not having any say in how the people I give my money provide me with value. There's not a pirate on the high seas that didnt understand that they were simply taking something for nothing. At least they were honest. Compare that with the school he went to last year. They claimed to care about the students... ha ha ha!

Check this out: They have a policy that actually prevents teachers and administrators from meeting with parents unless the child is present. Interesting concept... which doesn't make it right.

Education in this country is a mess. An absolute mess. We current rank way way down in math and sciences and we're worried that we aren't producing enough engineers. So what! What about exploring what's in the hearts of the kids we are raising and help set them up for success? Why don't we find out what turns them on and find ways to make this country great again by encouraging children's strengths instead of trying to create science, math and engineering wizards! What we need isn't more math/science/engineers... what we need are more passionate people who do the work they love! Who find ways (with our help and encouragement) to follow their passion. Maybe what we will end up with is a generation that cares more about passionately contributing their talents and desires to society vs. encouraging corporate greed. Nah... that's just foolish! After all, look at our current economy; clearly we need more young people that only care about the money they make, I mean, after all, that's been working real well as of late.

Let's start a revolution! A revolution that encourages COURAGEOUS LIVING! Living lives of passion and adventure. Living lives that give back (in financial and heart) to our great country. Living lives that excite the next generation to strive to follow their dreams. WE NEED MORE DREAMERS! The world is already flat according to Mr. Friedman (now, it's apparently, flat, hot and overcrowded he says), so if we need more engineers, what's wrong with them coming from India? Our greatest export skill can be passion! Japan has certainly proven that you can raise the test scores with year round, one-size-fits-all, militant education. And what do they have to show for it? A new generation that has no heart for doing anything! Their young people lack drive - not because of any racial issues; solely because they have never been afforded the opportunity to be creators. Passionate people create things. New ways to do things. New and innovative ways.

My gift to my 16 year old won't be a car. It won't be a week at math camp. It won't be some "luxury" purchase... then again, maybe it will be the greatest luxury gift of all; the luxury of knowing that his captain and first mate will encourage him to discover his dreams.

Airline "Service"

Skully really prefers not to have to fly. But when he does take to the air (and that's pretty frequent), he really wonders where the flight and gate attendants come from! Are they trained to be rude? Is there some screening process that screens out anyone with a reasonably positive outlook on life? Or, do they have some training program that stresses the importance of being rude or at least apathetic? Bob Newhart once recorded a great comedic sketch on Bus Driver Training. Darn funny. Well, it was funny until it apparently became the training program for the airlines. Southwest, you guys and gals get it right! Midwest, you are doing a reasonable job. Delta, US Airways, Continental, United... come on. True story: "How come you charge for the first bag (US Airways)?" Answer: "Because we needed to raise our prices but couldnt advertise an increase". Or, as another passenger told me they heard, "Because we can". Nice work US Air.

Which leads me to my point: Great customer service creates wildly loyal customers. But in today's business climate, you don't even need great customer care, you only need decent to be heads and tails above the majority of your competitors. Want to win in business, start a revolution - be good to your customers! Let them know you love them! Take it from this pirate, create a culture of caring about your customers and your customers will care about you... and they will tell everyone they know! Oh, and don't take care of your customers... well, you end up in blogs like this.

Why I Am Sick of Jimmy Buffet

"Heresy", you say. Yes, I know. Some of my friends may disown me. But it can't be helped. Fact is, I am sick of Jimmy. Don't get me wrong, I love most of his 11 songs that have been turned into about 4000 different versions. Reminds me of Tony Hillerman's writings. Same stuff, just repackaged. Once, Jimmy was unique. He had stories to tell and he told them well. Then he decided he wasn't a storyteller, he was a brand. And what a brand he became. I darn near bought a pair of Margaritaville shoes the other day! And how about that $300 Margaritaville blender! I'm serious! And to top it all off, now we've got Kenny Chesney becoming Jimmy Buffet! Jimmy, we had this really cool thing going, you and I. You wrote great songs and I bought them all. You wrote some great books and I bought those (well, I didnt buy the new one about pigs). I bought 20 different versions of each of your songs. I gave you tons of money and you gave me tons of value. I even bought your frozen shrimp, which is really good unless you actually want more than 1.4 shrimp for $7.

I do thank you deeply for creating "Trop Rock", which Jimmy Pirate and the people at Tropicast Radio have taken to an even higher standard, but come on, shoes and blenders... give it a rest. Quit marketing your brand and start writing some more great tunes! That's all I am asking.

Oh, why am I sick of Jimmy? Because I am jealous.

What's On My Mind - Slowing Down

Skully here. Sometimes you just gotta get away. Last week was the perfect example. The better half let me know, in less than flattering terms, that WE needed to get away. Skully's not the brightest guy but he knows when to just say, "Okay", so I threw out three options. 1) Las Vegas. 2) Key West. 3) New Orleans. Her comment was something like, "Fine with me. You choose, but I'll be in Key West. So, off to the Southernmost we went. Four days. Great time. No blackberry. No office communication. Skully was one happy pirate. Here's the thing; when you get to the literal end of the road and it's on an island and the island has no electricity (apparently this is not an infrequent occurence), you really don't have much choice but to slow down. And it's this, "slowing down" thing that Skully is sort of liking. See, pirates didn't really do much other than occassionally plunder and wage short battles. Other than that, they pretty much sat around the ship and relaxed with a little maintenance thrown in. Maybe, just maybe there is a lesson in there somewhere if we look deeply enough. We're too busy being too busy. We're not really all that effective. Mostly, we're just busy.

We spend our days busting hump; getting home too tired to really engage with the rest of the family. Then, on our "relaxing" weekend, one parent runs one kid to the soccer game and the other parent takes the other kid to the baseball game somewhere else. Dead tired, mom and pop get home after grabbing fast food; exhausted because there's been no time to recover and restore the batteries. Finally, late Sunday night, the family might and I mean might, sit down to veg out in front of the tv. And then it's time to get up and do it all over again! What is going on? Does Johnny need to be in two sports and three school activities while Jane is being speed shuttled to just as many different activities? What happened to night games of stickball in the street and sledding in the park in the winter? Answer: They've been replaced with "busyness".

Frankly, Skully is fed up with self righteous parents bragging about how many busy things their little brats are involved in. Skully is fed up with 60 hour work weeks plus 20 hour weekend activities! Skully is fed up with getting home at midnight so he can catch a plane at 6:30 the next morning. Bottom line, Skully needed Key West! Here's Skully's Key West days:

Day 1: 8 am wake up and have some coffee. Oops, the breakfast at the hotel doesn't start until 8:30! Day 2, Skully sleeps in til 9. Oh, and don't even think about needing a car. Skully's didn't move from the parking space from arrival until 5 days later for departure. After breakfast, take a nice break. Read a book for a while. Slip on the sandals and head up Duval. Check out the Butterfly Musuem and Nature Conservancy (incredible, even for a pirate). Next stop, Southernmost Market. Take a few pictures. Mosey on up to Hemingway House. Take the tour (one of the few guided tours worth the time). Take some pictures of Papa's place and pet a few of the 49 cats. Interested factoid: Each litter of descendants of the original six toed cat, has about half that are six toed and half that aren't). From there, shuffle on down to the Green Parrot. Note: If Albert Castigia is playing later that night, definately go back! Then hit, in whatever order you feel like, Sloppy Joe's and well, every bar. Skip Captain Tony's. It stinks. No, not like, "this place stinks", more like this place reaks. Come on, somebody scrub that place down! After enough cocktails, you have to hit Mallory Square at sunset. After that, there is only one place to go, and that's to the Schooner Wharf. It's exactly what Key West is all about. No other place comes close. Then head back to Green Parrot for the rest of the night/early morning.

Or, don't do any of it! Just sloooooooowwwwwwwww down. Because even Pirates need a break.